The TALENT NEWS is published the 1st. and 15th. of each month.
Entered at the Talent Post Office as second
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NOAH AND THE INSPECTOR.
In Mark Twain's latest book the author asserts that in these days Noah would not be allowed to sail from Bremen in the ark without first being subjected to an official inspection. After discovering that Noah's ship is six hundred feet long and very large otherwise, the inspector asks him how many passengers he has to which Noah answers, "Eight."
"Half male, the other female."
"From a hundred years up."
"Up to where?"
"The same eight."
"Have you ever been to sea?"
"Where were you reared?"
"On a farm, all of us."
"Who is captain?"
"You must get a captain. Also a chambermaid. Also sick nurses for the old people. Who designed this vessel?"
"I did, sir."
"Is it your first attempt?"
"I partly suspected it. Cargo?"
"Wild or tame?"
"No, not caged."
"They must have iron cages. Who feeds and waters the menagerie?"
"The old people?"
"It is dangerous, for both. The animals must be cared for by a competent force. How many are there?"
"Big ones, 7,000; big and little together, 98,000."
"You must provide 1,200 keepers. How many pumps have you?"
"You must provide pumps."
"What is the nature of steering apparatus?"
"We haven't any."
"Haven't you a rudder?"
"How do you steer the vessel?"
"You must provide a rudder. How many anchors have you?"
"Provide twenty-five. Did I understand you to say this was your first attempt at ship-building?"
"My very first. I built this ark without having ever had the slightest training or experience or instruction in marine architecture."
"It is a remarkable work sir. I consider it contains more features that are new -- absolutely new and unhackneyed --than are to be found in any other vessel that swims the sea."
Mrs. Williams, the faith-cure enthusiast down in Portland, has made a discovery that may result in revolutionizing the morals of the world. She has found the dwelling place of the devil. It is in the appendix vermiformis -- or that useless appendage of the lower bowel in man.
There is no accounting for taste. The appendix vermiformis is said by scientists to be a relic of a lower order of development, but which is of no use now except to cause lots of trouble by getting enflamed. It has been frequently removed without in the least injuring the general health. But what becomes of its tenant in such cases. As the devil has chosen this portion of the .human body as his permanent abode we may logically conclude that he has afflicted the human family from "way back." Anyway we are glad to know that the old rascal is located. The next step is to hamstring or strangle the son of a gun so that he can do no more mischief.
A key that unlocks heaven ought to fit any church door on earth.
"The Cat Came Back" is regarded as an a-mews-ing ballad.
The young stereotypher's first impressions of the business are seldom his best ones.
"I'm better off" buzzed the fly as he tried to break away from the fly paper.
THE TOBACCO QUESTION.
We received a short time since a somewhat lengthy communication from a valued friend and subscriber on ''The Uses and Abuses of Tobacco" which is perhaps, a little too severe on those who use the weed. Referring to the law in this state forbidding the sale of tobacco to minors and also its use by pupils in the public schools, the writer intimates that a general law prohibiting its use altogether would be a consummation devoutly to be wished. Now, while the scent of an old pipe or the sickening odor that emanates from the person and clothing of the excessive smoker or chewer generally knocks us out the first round, and while we deplore the thoughtless habit of many— perhaps most—tobacco chewers of spitting straight out from the mouth in any direction without regard to the possible damage that may be done by the fluid projectile, yet we should vote early and often against a law prohibiting the use of tobacco to adults. Prohibition never did and never will work. Father Adam himself was ruined, his future prospects blighted and the poor old fellow went down to his grave in despair through the effects of prohibition. It won't do. The law should have no moral function.
People have, and should have, a legal right to use tobacco to their heart's content, but they have no moral right to use it in such a manner as to be offensive to others. This they often do, but our observations have led us to believe that in a majority of cases it is the result of a thoughtlessness which has developed along with the habit itself, rather than a disregard for the feelings of others with which tobacco users are so often charged.
If those to whom the odors of tobacco are offensive would be candid enough to say so when occasion requires, there would be less cause for complaint. A veteran smoker calls for an evening's chat. In half and hour or so he draws from his pocket and old pipe that bears evidence of having been in use '"befo' de wah," digs out the bowl with his knife, blows, vigorously through the stem a few
times with the effect or scattering the scrapings pretty evenly over the books papers etc. on the center table, then exhumes from another pocket a piece of "old plug" and proceeds to shave off the regulation quantity, which, after the usual pulverizing in the palm of the hand, is pressed firmly into the bowl of the pipe preparatory to an hour's puffing. This takes exactly ten minutes. Then, holding the pipe firmly in one hand while the other is skermishing about in various pockets for a match, he asks in a formal sort of way if tobacco smoke is "offensive to any one present." Now right here is a splendid opportunity to be candid and thoughtful, for the excellent effect it would have, but the stereotyped reply is, "Oh, not in the least; we're all used to it," and the smoker at once proceeds to puff away, happy in the thought that all the others are enjoying the fumes as well as he.
Really, as long as non-smokers prefer to endure the offensive fumes of tobacco rather than run the risk of offending those who smoke, why, just so long they ought to endure and look as pleasant as possible under the circumstances.
THE END OF THE WHOLE MATTER.
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Talent, Or. September 15th, 1893.
Miss. Nelly Towne commences her school in the Upper Wagner creek district next Monday.
The Talent school opened on last Monday. The attendance not as large as was expected.
Al. Low returned last week from Wash. where he has been working for several months.
C. K. Klum's store was broken into one night last week and a few articles of clothing, a pair of shoes, several pocket knifes, etc, were taken.
Sam'l and Joe Robison and their families, who have been enjoying (?) the delightful weather of the past week camping over in Dead Indian, returned last Wednesday.
John, Chas., Mollie and Mrs. Wolgamott have been to Crescent City on a pleasure trip., Mrs. Joe Kerby. a daughter of Mrs. W., returned with them.
The Dunkard state meeting closed last Sunday. There was an unusually large attendance on Saturday evening to witness the communion and feet washing ceremonies.
A. L. Alford started for Klamath county last week to run his steam thresher.
John Briner accompanied him. The remainder of the crew will be secured there.
Harry Gender was thrown from a horse on Wednesday evening of last week, resulting in a few bruises about the head and seriously disabling his mental machinery for several hours.
There was a heavy down pour of rain in this locality on Thursday of last week which continued at intervals for several days, leaving the ground in fine condition for fall plowing.
During last Thursday's storm there was a heavy cloud-burst just above Mr. John Abbott's which flooded Jimmy creek, doing some damage to Mr. A's orchard and transferring a portion of his potato patch to Jas. Purves' carp pond.
One of Mr. Z. Webster's team horses was kicked by its mate a few days ago resulting in a broken leg. As the fracture was a serious one it was decided to destroy the animal.
Mr. E. Roup and family, late of Wallawa county, are stopping at Jas. Harvey's. Mr. Roup is a sufferer from ill health and came here hoping to be benefitted by this climate. He may remain for the winter.
The clergy of San Francisco and neighboring cities are besieging the directors of the Midwinter Fair to close its gates on Sunday. Their efforts, we think, will be vain. San Francisco is too far west.
Miss. Bertha Wilcox has solved the problem of alighting from a cart easily, gracefully and quickly. All that is necessary is to run one wheel up on the fourth board of a fence, and you will alight from the cart as easily as falling off a log.
In passing the News office the other day she demonstrated to our entire satisfaction the superiority of her new method.
We hope the young lady will experiment still further with the view of discovering an equally easy and graceful manner of getting into a cart. If she succeeds her name will be immortalized to the 4th. degree.
Eastern papers give us the sad news that the president after returning to the White House from his late vacation, is working very hard -- that he actually worked all of two hours one forenoon disposing of an enormous amount of business.
That will never do. Our chief executive should take life more easily. Two hours work in a half day is exhausting.
He will lose his aldermanic rotundity and won't fill out the big chair. Then again he might get so utterly worn out that he would not be able to draw his salary.
Owing to the present financial stringency, the Talent news summer poet offers first-class custom made poetry for 60 days at 25 per cent discount for cash, (regular rates $1 per line) but if pay has to be taken in potatoes, alfalfa hay, dried apples, cordwood etc, 75 per cent extra will be charged. Send in your orders. Now is the time to lay in your winter's poetry.
We are informed by Dr. Stevens of Philadelphia, that the soul is located in the corpus callosum, a callous body at the base of the brain. Now with the devil in the appendix vermiformis and the soul in the corpus callosum, with the nerves of the spinal calumn to serve as a telegraph line, each ought to keep well posted as to the movements of the other.